things Hallmark cards don’t say

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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.

No more “road kill” sweeties

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Fri Feb 25,11:54 PM ET
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Kraft Foods says it will bow to demands by animal rights activists that it stop selling candies shaped like animals that have been run over by cars.
The New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals publicly demanded removal of Road Kill candy, sold under Kraft’s Trolli Gummi brand, earlier this week.
“This is not sending the right message to kids,” NJSPCA spokesman Matthew Stanton said.
On Friday, Kraft said it wanted to be sensitive to consumer concerns about the candies, which are shaped like flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels with track marks on their bodies. The product was introduced last summer.
“We understand how this product could be misinterpreted, and we respect that point of view,” Trolli Brand Manager Jim Low said in a statement.
Trolli, whose products include octopus- and worm-shaped candies, is one of several confectionary brands Kraft has agreed to sell to chewing gum maker Wm Wrigley Jr. Co.. That deal, valued at $1.48 billion (770 million pounds), also includes Kraft’s Altoids and Life Savers brands.

Tiny Early ‘Hobbit’ Human Was Smart, Skull Shows

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WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Tiny pre-humans who lived on an Indonesian island until about 12,000 years ago had brains so surprisingly sophisticated that the creatures may represent a previously unrecognized species of early humans, or hominids, scientists reported on Thursday.
CAT scans of the inside of a skull — among the bones of eight individuals found in a cave on the Indonesian island of Flores — suggest brains that would have allowed advanced behavior such as toolmaking, the international team of researchers said.
They said further study of the skull of the creature, nicknamed “the Hobbit” after a literary character, showed it clearly was a normal adult of its species, not a mutant or diseased specimen, as some critics have alleged.
“I am bowled over,” said Dean Falk of Florida State University, who studied CAT scans to make a virtual cast of the inside of the creature’s skull.
“I thought we were going to see a little chimpanzee-like brain and I was wrong. Nothing like this has been seen before,” she told a telephone briefing.
Falk saw features that would have allowed the “Hobbit” to have made the tools found in the Indonesian cave, to use fire and to hunt as a group.
“I never thought I would see it in a brain this small,” she said.
Homo floresiensis stood only about 3 feet (one meter) tall and had a brain about a third the size of modern adult humans. It had long arms and would have walked upright.
“We know from the record that these little humans, these little meter-high humans, were hunting things like pygmy elephants, were making fire and were making stone tools,” said Mike Morwood of the University of New England in Australia, who led the initial mission that uncovered the bones.
NOT A DWARF
The discovery, announced last October, was met with surprise and some skepticism. Critics said the bones in fact represented some sort of dwarf or perhaps something suffering from a condition called microcephaly and not a unique species of early human.
But, writing in the journal Science, the team of U.S., Australian and Indonesian researchers said their unusual study of the inside of the “Hobbit’s” brain case showed it was related to Homo erectus, which lived from 2 million years ago to about 25,000 years ago.
“However, it was not like a little miniature Homo erectus brain. It was different,” Falk said.
The particular skull discovered on Flores had clear impressions left by the creature’s brain that allowed Falk and experts at Washington University in St. Louis to trace important structures.
For instance, there are two expanded areas in the frontal lobe, Falk said. “I have not seen anything like this before,” said Falk, who compared “Hobbit’s” skull to images of 10 human skulls, 18 chimpanzee skulls and five Homo erectus skulls.
“In humans this is a relatively large area,” she said. “It is known to be involved in planning ahead.”
Hobbit had “fat” temporal lobes, she said. “People don’t have fat ones but big ones,” she said.
“In humans the left temporal lobe has things that are important for understanding speech. The temporal lobe also some memory function. It processes emotions. It is important for identifying objects and people and putting names to people and objects.”
Especially interesting was a fissure near the back of the Hobbit’s brain that Falk’s team identified as a lunate sulcus, a structure seen in humans that is pushed forward because of an expanded association cortex.
It shows the little pre-humans were tiny but not stupid. “I almost fell over seeing this feature in something so small,” Falk said.

Something Doesn’t Smell Right About This Marriage

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Source : Wed Mar 2, 8:44 AM ET Oddly Enough – Reuters
TEHRAN (Reuters) – An Iranian woman has requested a divorce from her husband on the grounds that he has not washed for more than a year.
“My husband says he does not like water and does not want to take a shower … He doesn’t even wash his face when he wakes up in the morning,” Mina, 36, was quoted as saying in court by the state-run Iran (news – web sites) newspaper.
When the couple first married eight years ago her husband was obsessively clean, she said.
“He spent hours taking showers three times a day and washed his hands every few minutes,” Mina said. “But he suddenly changed … Now nobody, including me, my children and his colleagues, can stand him.”
Divorce is a notoriously difficult process for women in Iran, who normally have to prove that their husband has neglected them financially or sexually, is a drug addict or physically abusive.

Dogs’ Views on Changing Light Bulbs

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog’s point of view….
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Let’s go and play Frisbee, then I can gaze into your eyes and tell you how much I looooove you being my best friend…..
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can’t reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I’ll blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover
and……….
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle, monitor the perimeter to ensure no one got in or out while it was dark….
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here, a gentle massage and some dinner?

Adam & Eve

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God created Adam & Eve and the first thing he said was ‘Don’t’.
‘Don’t what?’ said Adam.
Don’t eat the forbidden fruit, God replied.
Why asked Adam.
Because I am your Father & I said so, God replied.
A few minutes later God saw his children having an apple break. He was not pleased and said Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit.
Uh Uh said Adam
Then why did you? asked God
I don’t know said Eve
She started it said Adam
Did not
Did too
Did not
Having had enough of this God decided that, as punishment, Adam & Eve would have children of their own.
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently & lovingly tried to give children wisdom & they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Things to think about
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk & talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down & shut up.
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.
Advice for the day
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
And finally…………….
If you have a lot of tension & you get a headache. Do what it says on the aspirin bottle
‘Take two aspirin’ and ‘Keep away from children’.

Yes, you’re getting older!!!!

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Proud to be old.
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because :
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint
which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent ‘clackers’ on our wheels. (I think you will find they were known as spokey dokeys – some old git wrote this)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags
riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar
in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went
outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no
lawsuits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.
We played knock-down-ginger and were afraid of the owners catching us.
We walked to friend’s homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn’t rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.
And you’re one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren’t old enough, thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening……and it might put a
smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983……..They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and
the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD’s have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are Films
from last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the
Famous Five.
They’ll never have applied to be on Jim’ll Fix It or Why Don’t You.
They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed and don’t even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile phone.
Now let’s check if we’re getting old…
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good
old days, repeating again all the funny stories you have experienced
together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too…
Yes, you’re getting older!!!!

Be Warned

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Virus Advisory
  
CURRENT THREAT   W32/Sober.k@MM
Medium Risk

Current VirusScan users with DAT 4424 are protected from this threat.

What Is It?

The 11th variant of the Sober virus, W32/Sober.k@MM is a Medium Risk mass-mailing worm hiding inside an email attachment. When run, the worm displays a fake error message in Notepad, infects the host computer and sends itself to stolen email addresses. Outgoing messages may be in German or English, depending on the recipient’s domain.

What should I look for?

  • FROM: Varies (forged addresses taken from infected system)
  • SUBJECT: English: I’ve got YOUR email on my account!! German: Ey du DOOF Nase, warum beantw…
  • BODY: English: First, Sorry for my very bad English! German: Warum beantwortest Du meine E-Mails nicht?
  • ATTACHMENT: EMAIL_TEXT.ZIP or TEXT.ZIP
  • How do I know if I’ve been infected?

    Fake error message displayed. Outgoing messages as noted above. Increased network traffic on TCP port 37. Alerts from a desktop firewall (if installed) that a new application is trying to access the Internet.

    How do I find out more?

    Visit the McAfee home page.