Four friends who hadn't seen each other
in thirty years are reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men
had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He got a good Catholic education and then started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is my pride and joy. He also got a good Catholic education and he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son attended a good Catholic school, studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other
just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son went to a state school, is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...
what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends.'

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can sit and on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

By Shaun Nichols in California VNU Net - Thursday, April 17 10:00 am

Up to a fifth of UK PC users are willing to turn over their passwords in exchange for a chocolate bar, according to a recent survey.

The Infosecurity Europe survey found that women are four times more likely than men to exchange account details for chocolate.

Of the 576 office workers surveyed, 45 per cent of women and 10 per cent of men agreed to turn over passwords to researchers supposedly conducting a market survey.

When the reward was changed to a ticket for a draw offering a trip to Paris, the numbers were nearly identical; 62 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men handed over their passwords.

Users were also duped into revealing other personal information, such as birth dates. Roughly half of those surveyed admitted to using the same password for multiple services and locations.

"This research shows that it is pretty simple for a perpetrator to gain access to restricted information by having a chat around the coffee machine, getting a temporary job as a PA or pretending to be from the IT department," said Claire Sellick, an event director for Infosecurity Europe.

"This type of social engineering technique is often used by hackers targeting a specific organisation with valuable data or assets, such as a government department or a bank."

The results of the survey are actually good news compared to last year, when 64 per cent of respondents agreed to turn over their password information for the lure of free chocolate.

Oh boy did I.

I was sitting on the tube with this young Asian lady sitting opposite from me during my journey home,
at one point I glanced over at her then looked away but then the cogs in my brain started thinking
"I’m bloody sure i know this lady from some where, I’m sure its xxxxx who I went to school with" and for about 10 minutes I kept thinking the same thing. A few minutes went by so I decided to ask her, I said "excuse me, did you go to xxxxx school in xxxx" then there was the dreaded silence for two minutes before she answered "no", god did I feel like a right ass, I immediately apologised for disturbing her and explained that she reminded me of someone I went to school with, then for the rest of the journey I just sat there with my head against the window with my eye's closed thing "you prize prat what did you go & do that for, you idiot".

Oh well, I guess it was better to ask rather than risk missing the possibility of saying hello to an old friend.

 EDIT: 21 march: the Water Cooling Dispenser is now in the bin, yup it was duff, I filled up the water tank and to my horror about 5 minutes after filling it up, water was leaking from the bottom of the unit, and after taking the thing apart to see if I could fix it i discovered that the water chamber was fractured so obviously it had been dropped.

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became

aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his

hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,

stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Dear Wife:

I ' m writing you this letter to tell you that I ' m leaving you
Forever. I ' ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn ' t even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of

silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don ' t tell me you love me anymore; you
don ' t want s ex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you ' re cheating on me or you don ' t love me anymore;
whatever the case, I ' m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don ' t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to
West Virginia together! Have a great life!
_______________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It ' s
true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far cry from what you ' ve been. I watch my soaps so much
because
they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn ' t work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like a girl! ' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can ' t say something nice, I didn' t
comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won ' t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don ' t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that ' s not a problem.”

Beadles cremation will be televised – Its going to be called “ You’ve been Flamed”

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it
P ** s on it and walk away.