“Things I’ve Learnt From My Children”

For those with no children this is hysterical.
For those who have children past this age this is hilarious.
For those that have children nearing this age this is not funny.
For those who do not yet have children this is a form of birth control.
“Things I’ve Learnt From My Children”
1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house 4 ins deep.
2. A 3 yr olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb boy wearing Batman underwear & a Superman cape. It is strong enough however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all 4 walls of a large room.
4. When you hear the toilet flush & the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
5. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, lots of it.
6. A 6yr old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36yr old man says they can only do it in the movies.
7. Certain parts of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4yr old.
8. Playdough & microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
9. Super Glue is forever.
10. No matter how much jelly you put in the swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
11. Pool filters do not like jelly.
12. VCR’s do not eject toasted sandwiches.
13. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
14. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving & are very expensive to remove.
15. You probably do not really want to know what that smell is.
16. Always look in the oven before you turn it on, plastic toys do not like ovens.
17. The average response time for the fire brigade is 20mins.
18. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
19. It will however make the cat dizzy.
20. Cats throw up half their body weight when dizzy.
21. The mind of a 6yr old is a wonderful & amazing thing.
60% of men who read this will try mixing brake fluid & bleach.

Hi Honey I’m Home

Yes i’m back from yet another holiday in Sitges. For those of you who have missed me, you’ll be glad to know that this year there weren’t any drama’s to screw up the holiday, nothing got lost, nothing got broken, no one got ill..(apart from the odd hang over).
I haven’t taken any new photo’s of Sitges this year as after you’ve been to a place two or three times you get bored of photographing things that you photographed last year.
While on holiday i didn’t buy much apart from a large mug and two keyrings, they are both bad taste bears and I bought the “vic(fuckoff)keyring” and the bernie keyring.
I’ll probably be very busy at work for the next few days but i’m sure i’ll find something funny to post.

It’s all gone quiet

Some of you may have noticed that i’ve not posted anything for a few days, the main cause of this has been:
1) got nothing to post about
2) too dam tired to post
Just watched this Star wars movie can’t wait to see the whole film.

No more “road kill” sweeties

Fri Feb 25,11:54 PM ET
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Kraft Foods says it will bow to demands by animal rights activists that it stop selling candies shaped like animals that have been run over by cars.
The New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals publicly demanded removal of Road Kill candy, sold under Kraft’s Trolli Gummi brand, earlier this week.
“This is not sending the right message to kids,” NJSPCA spokesman Matthew Stanton said.
On Friday, Kraft said it wanted to be sensitive to consumer concerns about the candies, which are shaped like flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels with track marks on their bodies. The product was introduced last summer.
“We understand how this product could be misinterpreted, and we respect that point of view,” Trolli Brand Manager Jim Low said in a statement.
Trolli, whose products include octopus- and worm-shaped candies, is one of several confectionary brands Kraft has agreed to sell to chewing gum maker Wm Wrigley Jr. Co.. That deal, valued at $1.48 billion (770 million pounds), also includes Kraft’s Altoids and Life Savers brands.

Tiny Early ‘Hobbit’ Human Was Smart, Skull Shows

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Tiny pre-humans who lived on an Indonesian island until about 12,000 years ago had brains so surprisingly sophisticated that the creatures may represent a previously unrecognized species of early humans, or hominids, scientists reported on Thursday.
CAT scans of the inside of a skull — among the bones of eight individuals found in a cave on the Indonesian island of Flores — suggest brains that would have allowed advanced behavior such as toolmaking, the international team of researchers said.
They said further study of the skull of the creature, nicknamed “the Hobbit” after a literary character, showed it clearly was a normal adult of its species, not a mutant or diseased specimen, as some critics have alleged.
“I am bowled over,” said Dean Falk of Florida State University, who studied CAT scans to make a virtual cast of the inside of the creature’s skull.
“I thought we were going to see a little chimpanzee-like brain and I was wrong. Nothing like this has been seen before,” she told a telephone briefing.
Falk saw features that would have allowed the “Hobbit” to have made the tools found in the Indonesian cave, to use fire and to hunt as a group.
“I never thought I would see it in a brain this small,” she said.
Homo floresiensis stood only about 3 feet (one meter) tall and had a brain about a third the size of modern adult humans. It had long arms and would have walked upright.
“We know from the record that these little humans, these little meter-high humans, were hunting things like pygmy elephants, were making fire and were making stone tools,” said Mike Morwood of the University of New England in Australia, who led the initial mission that uncovered the bones.
The discovery, announced last October, was met with surprise and some skepticism. Critics said the bones in fact represented some sort of dwarf or perhaps something suffering from a condition called microcephaly and not a unique species of early human.
But, writing in the journal Science, the team of U.S., Australian and Indonesian researchers said their unusual study of the inside of the “Hobbit’s” brain case showed it was related to Homo erectus, which lived from 2 million years ago to about 25,000 years ago.
“However, it was not like a little miniature Homo erectus brain. It was different,” Falk said.
The particular skull discovered on Flores had clear impressions left by the creature’s brain that allowed Falk and experts at Washington University in St. Louis to trace important structures.
For instance, there are two expanded areas in the frontal lobe, Falk said. “I have not seen anything like this before,” said Falk, who compared “Hobbit’s” skull to images of 10 human skulls, 18 chimpanzee skulls and five Homo erectus skulls.
“In humans this is a relatively large area,” she said. “It is known to be involved in planning ahead.”
Hobbit had “fat” temporal lobes, she said. “People don’t have fat ones but big ones,” she said.
“In humans the left temporal lobe has things that are important for understanding speech. The temporal lobe also some memory function. It processes emotions. It is important for identifying objects and people and putting names to people and objects.”
Especially interesting was a fissure near the back of the Hobbit’s brain that Falk’s team identified as a lunate sulcus, a structure seen in humans that is pushed forward because of an expanded association cortex.
It shows the little pre-humans were tiny but not stupid. “I almost fell over seeing this feature in something so small,” Falk said.

Something Doesn’t Smell Right About This Marriage

Source : Wed Mar 2, 8:44 AM ET Oddly Enough – Reuters
TEHRAN (Reuters) – An Iranian woman has requested a divorce from her husband on the grounds that he has not washed for more than a year.
“My husband says he does not like water and does not want to take a shower … He doesn’t even wash his face when he wakes up in the morning,” Mina, 36, was quoted as saying in court by the state-run Iran (news – web sites) newspaper.
When the couple first married eight years ago her husband was obsessively clean, she said.
“He spent hours taking showers three times a day and washed his hands every few minutes,” Mina said. “But he suddenly changed … Now nobody, including me, my children and his colleagues, can stand him.”
Divorce is a notoriously difficult process for women in Iran, who normally have to prove that their husband has neglected them financially or sexually, is a drug addict or physically abusive.

Adam & Eve

God created Adam & Eve and the first thing he said was ‘Don’t’.
‘Don’t what?’ said Adam.
Don’t eat the forbidden fruit, God replied.
Why asked Adam.
Because I am your Father & I said so, God replied.
A few minutes later God saw his children having an apple break. He was not pleased and said Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit.
Uh Uh said Adam
Then why did you? asked God
I don’t know said Eve
She started it said Adam
Did not
Did too
Did not
Having had enough of this God decided that, as punishment, Adam & Eve would have children of their own.
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently & lovingly tried to give children wisdom & they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Things to think about
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk & talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down & shut up.
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.
Advice for the day
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
And finally…………….
If you have a lot of tension & you get a headache. Do what it says on the aspirin bottle
‘Take two aspirin’ and ‘Keep away from children’.