My tire was thumping.
\nI thought it was flat
\nWhen I looked at the tire…
\nI noticed your cat.
\nSorry!
\nHeard your wife left you,
\nHow upset you must be.
\nBut don’t fret about it…
\nShe moved in with me.
\nLooking back over the years
\nthat we’ve been together,
\nI can’t help but wonder…
\n“What the hell was I thinking?”
\nCongratulations on your wedding day!
\nToo bad no one likes your husband.
\nHow could two people as beautiful as you
\nHave such an ugly baby?
\nI’ve always wanted to have
\nsomeone to hold,
\nsomeone to love.
\nAfter having met you ..
\nI’ve changed my mind.
\nI must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
\nI never believed in Hell until I met you.
\nAs the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
\nThat you’re not here to ruin it for me.
\nCongratulations on your promotion.
\nBefore you go…
\nWould you like to take this knife out of my back?
\nYou’ll probably need it again.
\nHappy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
\n(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
\nHappy birthday! You look great for your age.
\nAlmost Lifelike!
\nWhen we were together,
\nyou always said you’d die for me.
\nNow that we’ve broken up,
\nI think it’s time you kept your promise.
\nWe have been friends for a very long time ..
\nlet’s say we stop?
\nI’m so miserable without you
\nit’s almost like you’re here.
\nCongratulations on your new bundle of joy.
\nDid you ever find out who the father was?
\nYour friends and I wanted to do
\nsomething special for your birthday.
\nSo we’re having you put to sleep.
\nSo your daughter’s a hooker,
\nand it spoiled your day.
\nLook at the bright side,
\nit’s really good pay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-stuff"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2545","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2545"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2545\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2545"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2545"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.puerilis.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2545"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}